Discover How To Grow & Heal Through Your Highs & Lows

Joy

Maya Angelou said, “in the struggle, lies the joy.” Now, this is something that can only be intimately learned. I can’t just tell you to find joy in the middle of going through your greatest catastrophe in life. You would most definitely tell me where to go shove it. It takes trudging through your own stuff and coming out on the other side with wisdom, perseverance you didn’t think you owned, and conquering what you thought might end you to even possibly see that there can be joy in your pain.

So how do you handle the in-between? How do you get through the low to get to the high? What do you do during a low valley in order to come out better and with joy, rather than continuing to plummet? Will I keep falling until I’m at rock bottom and just live there forever?! That’s the fear, right? That’s where my mind seems to take me when untethered in a storm.

The answer lies in learning how to process your feelings. Your thought process. That’s the magic. That is where it has to begin, anyway. Whatever problems you don’t process and heal from, will keep you stuck in one way or another. I can guarantee you on that one (ask me how I know). You don’t have to keep sinking lower or to be a victim, you can rise up out of your mess and be better for it.

– Let it change you –

Every crisis you face is a crossroad. It’s the end of a world as you knew it and the threshold for something new. It’s usually there on the other side of a struggle that you learn about the joy of it. If you’re able to go within, find your tether and heal from your pain, you can look back and see that the joy was in what you took OUT of it. It’s not that going through a disaster is joyous, it’s in how the struggle will change you and shape you into You-2.0.

And then you know. You’re the same person yet different, changed, stronger, there’s more of you to know. In each obstacle you face in life, there is an opportunity for a soul change. Some of the best parts of who I am happened because of hurt. When the next struggle comes, you will remember how this can either break you or shape you and strengthen you, enabling you to become greater than you otherwise could have. Changes that otherwise wouldn’t have happened.

– Beauty out of brokenness –

As you face a new struggle you’ll recall that last time your pain uncovered beauty. You know that it will be hard but that on the other side there is hope and yes, also joy. You’ll know about the tether within you that anchors you so deeply that even though the sky is falling around you, you will not be shaken. It is a joy to be broken and intricately remade.

Nothing that you go through will ever be wasted. You will learn something, you will be shaped by it. It will lead you to the next door. Did you discover a new boundary you needed to set? Compassion for someone else going through difficult times? Learn to forgive and let go? Did you start a new habit that you’ve continued, like meditation or exercise? You are not your mistakes, you are not your past, you aren’t the lowest low version of yourself.

Let your valleys curve and shape you into who you are meant to be. Nothing can take away what is ultimately meant for you. There is more for you, even if you are so lost in your muddy waters that you can’t see it. Don’t for a minute think that your detour has derailed you from what you were made to do and be. I’ll share how I’ve learned to heal and grow in my lows and be filled with gratitude during the highs. In full disclosure, knowing these keys doesn’t always make it easy. Working on yourself takes, well, work. I always say you get what you pay for, so invest in yourself.

Mindset Matters

As much as I am pro-positive mindset, I cannot STAND how overused and misunderstood the term actually is. It has almost become this sort of “fluff”. I do know that if you change your thought process and mindset you can change your life. Every thought that you have has a chemical response in your mind and body. Your next thought can produce a response of neurotransmitters and hormones in your mind and body that make you feel happy, anxious, stressed, sad, etc. Your body doesn’t know if that response is due to something actually happening to you or just you worrying about something happening to you. The response is simply as if it is real. Mindset matters. Your thoughts, attitude, and actions determine who and what you are. Let me try and prove it to you.

What do you think makes the major difference between two people that go through a similar hardship and one stays stuck while the other gets out and prospers? You probably can see where this is headed. One person is choosing to look for a solution to a problem, and one is choosing not to. It’s one thought leading to another and then choices and actions that follow. And it is a choice. Choose ahead of time how you want to respond to something that would ordinarily make you lose control. When you’re consciously responding to life in this way rather than reacting (or overreacting) you will start to shift into what I call alignment. You can’t move towards being in alignment with your inner-being/God/consciousness/spirit- whatever you name the oneness that connects us all, and be reacting to life on a surface level. Your mindset can either make you a victim in life or a conquerer. How you view and respond to life is entirely in your control.

– All is fair in love and war –

Get it out of your mind that you are not meant to be going through whatever it is that you’re going through. That these things happen to other people, not me. None of us are exempt from finding ourselves in a mess and in a place we never imagined for ourselves. You have to think from a different perspective. What you are going through may not be or seem “fair”. Don’t get into the pit of constantly thinking why did this happen to me, or this isn’t where I’m supposed to be in life, poor me, woe is me. This mentality won’t get you out, it only keeps you in a hamster wheel of self-loathing. You want to come from a new point of view where you accept the circumstance that you’re in and if it is awful (which it likely is) then what are you going to do to change it in some way? It is perfectly ok and normal to find yourself in a situation that you didn’t ask for and that you don’t like. You don’t have to be happy about what is happening in your life. It’s just that when you find yourself here, what will you do?

– Live with intention –

This is where setting your intention comes in. What do you want for your life now and after you go through whatever it is you’re in the middle of? Set your intentions, visualize what you want to do and be. Then do something. You can have the best of intentions in all the world, but without action, they are only that. Setting an intention, planning small steps to take towards your goal, and visualizing it all is powerful. When the desire and determination are there, it’s as if the whole world conspires with you. Action has a way of dissolving anxiety and fear over your stuck situation.

Realigning your mindset (thoughts + attitude + action) has to happen first for you to optimize how you navigate your highs and lows and everything in between. It isn’t necessarily always the easy way, it takes more effort to envision a way out of a situation and execute a plan than to just wallow in it. It is worth it though. It’s something that takes continual effort and practice, and that’s why not everyone is successful. Consistency is key. We all get sidetracked, but not everyone keeps getting back up and progressing. Start showing up for yourself after you fall. Keep sowing the seeds, taking the small action steps to better yourself and you will see results, the flowers will come.

Feel It To Heal It

Over the past year, I went through my own valley. And in some ways, I feel like I’ve been preparing myself for this crash since I was 16. That was when I first started learning about the power of the mind. I had of course been through tough times before. Each one strengthened me in different ways and forced me to go deeper and create new habits to be able to grow into my next level of consciousness.

This valley was my darkest. I’m certain there will be more to come, some even darker. I navigated messy choices, a failed marriage, a torn-apart family, and extending circumstances fit for a soap opera over this past year. I’ve finally learned what it really means to “process your feelings” in order to heal. I didn’t until this valley though. Have you ever thought you had something all figured out and then learned you definitely did not?

It seems as though literally everyone is saying that you need to process your feelings in order to move on from certain things. But does anyone actually know what that entails? How are we supposed to “process” feelings in order to heal?! This was the thing I got stuck on. I wanted to feel it all to heal. I saw therapists, I journaled, I read books, I cried….but I felt like I was still missing some key element of processing things. Am I just supposed to cry every day until the feelings go? Does that mean I processed it all?! I do think these things can and are helpful in discovering, uncovering, and seeing what feelings you’re even having, but of course, there’s more.

– Stay With You –

It wasn’t until I read the book Untamed early on in this real-life drama of mine, that it finally clicked and I knew what I had to do to process my feelings and truly heal. Glennon Doyle is amazing in Untamed at describing how to feel it all in order to heal. What I took away from it is that to start, I needed to just stay. So I started to let myself feel angry and sad, shame, guilt, broken, all of it and just let it hurt. Let it all come and sit with you, don’t hang on too tightly, just let it sit and feel it all, and then release it, over and over again as needed.

The problem that we have in this regard is not wanting it to hurt, so we distract ourselves. We distract with food, alcohol, friends, being extra busy, tv, partners, whatever makes us not have to remember that we hurt. Distractions. I was unintentionally distracting myself in order to not have to feel my present pain. I thought maybe I didn’t need to do all that, maybe I could just move on to what’s next and be fine. And I’m not saying we should never indulge in those things, they can bring healthy support and comfort. But they are only a temporary distraction if you haven’t healed yet.

“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”

Albert Einstein

At the end of the distraction, I was still left with myself and my pain was still present. I wasn’t staying with myself, I was going everywhere else- for advice, for distraction, for comfort, for healing. So, I began sitting with my pain. I felt it all on the other side of my guest room door. Day after day, month after month, I let all the feelings in and out. While this process was happening I worked on setting new daily habits for growth and healing during the pain. I set intentions for myself, and I acted. During this time I was meditating, reading self-help books, setting personal goals for work, exercising, releasing old patterns of thinking that I knew were detrimental to my life, learning how to stay with myself and never abandon that for anyone or anything ever again.

– It’s an inside job –

I came to realize that all of those external things will not take the place of what needs to happen internally. The hurt has to run through us, and if we stay with it and allow ourselves to feel it, it eventually goes. If we don’t do this, it won’t go. It will stay all bottled up within us and come out as anger and other detrimental emotions to whoever is around us, likely damaging our closest relationships in some way at some point.

Once I started feeling it all, it slowly started fading away. I started having clarity and knew when I was ready to start releasing the feelings, but that only comes after you stop pushing it all away. And soon I realized that the hurt doesn’t hurt so much. So when you want to run from how you’re feeling, don’t. Stay with it, feel it all and you will heal. As this feeling and healing happen, you will have to choose to grow. Don’t quit on yourself. You cannot and will not grow until you let your healing truly begin. So, no more distractions, ok? Stay with you now.

Present Equals Presence

Who are you right now? Not who were you last month or last year, not who will you be next year when you finally get through this. Who and what are you at this moment? Who are the people around you seeing you as right now? Would all of this add up to who you want to be? When you’re not thinking outside of the current moment, you are pure presence. You are accepting everything that you are in that moment and allowing it all to be just fine. Eckhardt Tolle said that “Present equals Presence”. Be present now. The people in your life will respond differently to you when you’re actually paying attention to them.

– Mind the moment –

Notice that you are ok here, in whatever circumstance you’re in, feel your breath. Take a deep breath in and exhale out slowly. Most of the stress we create for ourselves is when our mind is focused on a problem of the past that we can’t change or on how our current problem might look in the future. When we do that we can’t see what’s right in front of us and we neglect living now. Do you ever look back on your day and wish you had spent less time on your phone and maybe more time interacting with someone you care about? And do you ever get to the end of other days feeling full because you spent time with someone you love or doing something that brings you purpose? I want to get to the end of more days feeling like I actually lived it. I want to get to the end of my life feeling complete, not regretting a life barely lived.

To start becoming more present, try going half a day with simply being more aware in each moment of your day as it unfolds. Watch how people start engaging and responding to you, and how you feel in return. People deeply want to feel seen and heard. Whether you realize it or not, this includes you. When you are present and making others feel like you actually see them, you will start feeling seen and understood in return. Ah, to be seen. You can’t live a fulfilling life when you can’t even look up and see it.

– Practicing presence –

1. Less is more. Today we have so much of everything at our fingertips to consume. An endless scroll on our phones, whatever food we could wish for, drinks from pumpkin spice lattes to dirty martini’s, electronics to infinity, stuff to fill our homes and cars in excess. There is so much of everything to distract us. Start simplifying each area of your life until you’re left with only what matters to you. We don’t need to consume and buy and scroll more, what we really crave is connection with others.
2. Focus. I’m not saying to focus on any one specific thing, but rather to not let your mind go wandering around untethered down stray worry-alleys. Focus on today – that could be your child requesting you to play, a partner that needs a listening ear and response, your career, whatever is literally in front of you today. Be here in your thoughts.
3. Confidence. Know from within that you can do this. Taking it moment by moment in presence, you have all that you need. Have the knowledge that you can and will find solutions when things get rough. Know that a difficult season will grow you, not end you. Start building your confidence in your own ability today. You don’t need to stay tethered to any person, job, or situation forever that doesn’t fulfill purpose in your life. Have the confidence and courage for change.

Grow

You can either choose to grow as you go or stay stagnant. I have to choose growth. I’ve spent years intentionally choosing/forcing growth so much that it has almost become a habit. It’s this internal desire to be better than I was. It’s simply not wanting to continue in failure and trauma. As Maya Angelou says, “When you know better, do better.” That doesn’t mean that it always comes automatically, or easily, it means that I know I don’t want to stay stuck and I’m willing to work for change. It’s a mindset first, I want to be all that I’m meant to be. I will choose to do what is difficult in order to grow beyond the hardships.

Excuses won’t get results. And I know this because I have a lot of them! Apply this to all areas of life, from the small things to the biggest. I say it a lot regarding my workouts. Putting in the work will get me the results. When I say I’m tired, don’t create the time, and choose to stay off track in my nutrition, I’m giving excuses. I know they’ll ultimately prevent me from attaining the results that I want. So, I push myself. And then I see results, and that makes me want to push myself more. You can apply this to most areas of life – work goals, health, mindset, family life, and all the rest. Excuses won’t get you the results you want in order to change. If you want progress, put in the work. Now, this doesn’t mean that you can’t rest during your growth. I have zero guilt when I spend an entire day binge-watching a Netflix series, it’s all about balance. Work hard, play/rest hard is my motto!

– Baby steps –

Look at 3 things that you can do to improve yourself and grow into who you want to be while you’re centering your thoughts and actions to move forward. For example, how can I strengthen my mind, my physical being, and my spiritual/creative self. Write down your 3 things and add an action that you can take for each one. Sometimes when it feels as though your whole world is falling apart, it helps to have control over something in your life. Even if you’re already doing things in these areas, find something new that you can do. I was already meditating, reading, and exercising when my life started literally crumbling around me. I just added to each of those areas, I added in time, focus, what I was reading, and a completely different exercise/nutrition path. Take the time to invest in your own well-being and goals so you can live life, rather than just floating through feeling lost and out of control.

“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer

I hope these tips prove useful to you during a low and that you hold them close through the highs. Don’t be afraid to be broken and fall completely apart, we’re all just a masterpiece in the making. Your joy awaits you, now go live. As always, feel free to email me with any comments or questions at hannahallison@positivelyzen.com.